Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
You Might Also Like
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.