@ieatanddrink: Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you're doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I'll explain
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@SocialustGal13: Let's make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I'll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?
@NOTVIKING: [first day as a train conductor] coworker: you the new guy? me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing coworker: me: so far this job is off the rails coworker: me: so what do you guys do to let off steam coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good
@deadstick_ron: Therapist: and how are you now? Morgan Freeman: I am fine Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine Therapist: I'm sorry what?
@lovexios: I hate when people text 'call me'. I'm going to start calling people, say 'text me' and then hang up.