Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
How is it still this week?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.