“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You Might Also Like
Said the murderer.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
choose your fighter
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.