“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.