“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
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Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?