*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
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Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
This could be us… but you playing
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now