Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.