Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
You Might Also Like
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.