Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My work here is don’t.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Watermelon Boss!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy