me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.