If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
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my professor scared me for a second
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.