@robfee: Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.
@ThisLocalHater: Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?
@Old_Pat_Bren: Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways.
@BradBroaddus: Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
@IamEnidColeslaw: i was baptized in a car wash
@meganamram: Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you're not jogging fast enough