Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
File under excellent bookstore names.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …