@david_tull: Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what's going on.
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@ArfMeasures: HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we're stuck on this desert island ME: Actually it's a "deserted" island H: Ok so that was easy
@yonewt: If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman
@dafloydsta: [bank robbery] "Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
@KyleMcDowell86: [in car] Wife: Dont tell ur arm story Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe *at party* AND THAT'S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF