Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.