Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
🙂🙃🥹
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare