1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Sharon I have some bad news
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit