“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this