“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
accurate
79.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.