“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins