@Amburglar_: "Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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@VirgoSherry: A co-worker just used the word "elderly" to describe someone my age and that's why I had to kill her.
@philyuck: COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark? MARK: He's alive so I'm assuming he had a birth, yes.
@sock_holliday: The person that invented toilet paper is easily the most under-appreciated hero in human history
@Parker_Simpson: Studies show that people who start a sentence with "studies show..." have no clue what they're talking about