“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing