“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog