“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
This will teach them to underestimate me
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.