“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Everyone’s family
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs