Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.