“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My boss called in sick of me
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
early stone age tool
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*