Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The internet is full of many things
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…