“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Doggies just call it style.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes