“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship