Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS