Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
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