Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food