Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
how to have fun when you’re poor
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Check out the legs on this baby
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*updates tinder bio*
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.