My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer