GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Just how popey was the pope today?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.