I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes