After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*