“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
ACED my prostate exam!
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
How about daylight saves us for once
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.