“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
So inspired right now.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
bad news gang
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???