<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
WHO DID THIS?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset