@DurtMcHurtt: Wow, the guy buried alive with weed in his pocket must be rolling in his grave right now.
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@AbbyHasIssues: People who say I'm hard to shop for obviously didn't see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
@themiltron: [God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don’t like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That’s not— GOD: Done.
@B_poling82: Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question.
@JohnLyonTweets: "I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor," Holmes said. "You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm."