Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
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[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
They’re on their honeymoon
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!