BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
selfie game
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*