When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
You Might Also Like
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…