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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that