Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.