“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
new record!
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
It was worth a shot 😂
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”