“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My dog ate my work from home.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.