partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*puts words between two asterisks*
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.