It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.