Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: