Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*has no idea what a book even is*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Is anyone gonna tell them?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”