Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
#polloftheday
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.